Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The power of my boobs compel you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
