I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
