Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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