The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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