I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
