im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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