Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
