You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
