i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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