I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
