my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
