i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
