I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
