I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
