I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
