Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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