if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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