I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
