My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
