I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
