So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
