Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
