small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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