I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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