yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize