i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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