Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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