Im at strip club and am horny
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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