Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
