His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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