can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
