i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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