you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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