Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
