you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
