hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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