I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Mom said you looked used
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
