just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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