Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
