My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
