remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
