the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize