My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
