just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
