had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
