The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
