70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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