The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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