The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
