i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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