i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
