they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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