gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
