I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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