I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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